Humans Are Friends, Not Food
by Cullen Creations
Summary: What happens when Carlisle comes home from the hospital with news of a new procedure that can temporarily change his family back to their human form? You're gonna have to read to find out! Rated T for some language, violence and slight romance.
1. Human Induced Hell

**Chatper One: Human-Induced Hell**

_I decided I wanted a fun, kinda out of the ordinary story for the Cullens...one that shows them when they're not being watched by the Volturi or living up to their Twilight book personalities. xD_

_Hope you enjoy, and yes, I realize some of this is truly not possible in the vampire world (getting hurt, beoming human, whatever!) but please don't chew me out for it! Thanks!_

_And the typical stuff...I don't own Twilight, please R&R, never eat soggy waffles, yeah, yeah, whatever..._

* * *

"Kids, I have to talk to you," Carlisle said, ringing his hands together. He was standing in the kitchen, on one side of the island with Esme. Bella sat opposite them, eating a plate of spaghetti at the counter, Edward, as always, at her side. It was about lunchtime, but everyone had already eaten, so they were all in the house.

"Ahem, ALL CULLEN CHILDREN!" Carlisle said a little louder, and Alice came into the room, Jasper trailing behind, followed by Emmett.

"Emmett, where is Rosalie?"

"You said "All CULLEN CHILDREN, and she said she's a Hale."

Carlisle sighed. "Ah, whatever. I have a surprise for you guys!"

"WHAT?" Alice yelled. "How? I didn't see a surprise coming…AM I SLIPPING?" dejectedly, she sat on the stool next to bella and slumped her head upon the table. Jasper sat next to her, stroking her shoulder comfortingly as Emmett cackled. Esme shot him a death glare.

Carlisle simply smiled. "How would you all like to know what it's like to be HUMAN?!?!"

There was a moment of utter silence. Then all hell broke out.

"YES! YES, OH, YES! HUMAN MEMORIES ABOUND! THANK YOU CARLISLE!" Alice shrieked, tackling her adoptive father in a millisecond.

"No! I don't want to have to be all marred up again!" Emmett exclaimed, grabbing at his hair, visibly upset.

"You mean, a chance to be human with Bella?!" Edward exclaimed, embracing her tightly, so tightly that she immediately dropped her fork in her plate, choking out her food all over the table. Suddenly Rosalie came down thesteps, saw the regurgitated tomato sauce splattered across the counter, looking quite like blood, and bore down on it like Alice at a half-price-shoe-sale.

"I want some too!" Jasper yelled, ignoring the news. Having been preoccupied with Alice's happiness, he now bore down on Rosalie, tearing at her.

"You guys!" Carlisle yelled, limping to the counter where Jasper and Alice fought, hung upon by Alice, who was shrieking in her ear.

"Edward! You're- choking! Mee-" Bella coughed.

"BELLA! WE'LL BE HUMAN AND GO HAVE FUN LIKE HUMANS AND DO STUFF LIKE HUMANS TOGETHER!" At Edward's words, Alice piped up, leaped off Carlisle, across the counter, embracing Bella. The sudden shift of weight launced Carlisle, smacking his blonde head against the counter, which promptly bounced fof the surface and into the faux-feed-fest before him.

"Let her go, Edward!" Esme yelled. "Emmett, stop pulling your hair out!"

"BUT I LIKE EATING BEARS! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO USE A GUN!" Emmett wailed from the corner of the room.

"Emmett, you won't look like you did when you were human!" Esme explained, while trying to pry both Rosalie and Carlisle away from the counter. Carlisle was screaming, Rosalie fighting ferociously for her right to food.

"NOT TODAY, POPS!" She yelled, bashing his head upon the countertop violently.

"Oh," Emmett said, the realtiy dawning on him. "'kay," he walked into the other room to watch tv. Esme sighed.

Alice hopped on Jasper's back, yelling happily. "WE'RE GONNA BE HUMAN!"

"This isn't blood! IT'S HUMAN FOOD!" Jasper wailed, his pale face seeming to turn green, even though that was obviously impossible. Without thinking, his emotions overflowed to fill the room, and soon everyone was feeling a bit nautious. Emmett could be heard gagging from the next room over, and Bella ran to the bathroom as Jasper ran around the room waving his hands wildly, Alice still on his back.

Emmett ran into the room an began to chase Jasper, begging him to stop, forgetting his wife, who was still trying to feed on the food, ignoring Carlisle's screams for help as Edward ran to the bathroom to help Bella while Esme attempted to wrench Jasper out the door. Emmett tied a string across the floor frm cabinet to cabinet, effectively tripping Jasper, who writhed on the floor, which unfortunately backfired as Alice leapt to her next victim, namely, Emmett.

Bella returned from the bathroom, looking queasy, before tripping on top of Edward who fell onto the counter and into the Rosalie and Carlisle mess.

Ah, sweet family bliss.


	2. Valium

**Chapter 2: Valium**

_Hey, I really hope you guys like this one...it's not AS chaotic as the last, and really kind of short, more of a filler than anything till I get the chance to write the next chapter, where they finally get CHANGED! *le gasp!* so look for that in the next day, or maybe even today, because I'm really bored... (:_

_Oh, and please feel free to add in any ideas of yours about what their human experiences should be like...or what the experience of being changed should be like. I need inspiration!_

_Don't own Twilight, R&R, Blahh.._

* * *

Carisle and Esme managed to get everyone calmed down eventually, by which time it was evening, the sun falling in the sky. They had allowed everyone time to calm down and collect themselves (Which was really more of a code for "Hey, kids, go away and cool off while I slip a few Valium into Bella's food!") before they all congregated again in the living room.

Bella was unconscious, thanks to Carlisle's immense drug supply, conked out on Edward's lap so he couldn't strangle her any more than her already had. Rosalie and Jasper had both had their turns to be sick, and Alice, though still bouncing up and down in her seat, was relatively more calm thanks to Jasper, who sat beside her. Emmett was still frazzled, sitting alone in the corner of the room. Esme was laying on the couch, her eyes closed, looking as tired as an immortal, never-sleeping vampire could ever be.

"Is everyone ready to hear the details?" Carlisle prompted.

"Gnrrrrgh," Bella murmured in her sleep.

"That means yes!" Edward cried enthusiastically, clamping a hand over her mouth.

"C'mon, Carlisle, spill it!" Alice practically screamed. Emmett wailed.

"Alright…" he said, stepping a little away from his family, obviously frightened. "Well, you see, it started with this man at the hospital who thought that he could use the cells of living animals to replicate new ones and implant them into ones that are dead or dying to help give them new life by rejuvenating their dead ones. His name is Dr. Bearring, and I he-"

"BEAR?!" Emmett screeche at the man's name, and Rosalie ran over to quiet him.

"I helped him," Carlisle continued, "To figure out a way to link up the cells' chemical compounds and use the new ones as a kind of jumper cable to the old. We came up with a new procedure that can help bring things back to life, but, based on the tests we've done, it only lasts a week. Everything else has gone well, but we've had mixed results, and we need a new subject to study on. So I decided we could use you guinea pigs- uh, I mean, _test patients,_ to try this thing out!" He ended with a flourish of his hands.

Silence.

"Translation- you're using us as lab mice to see if you can bring stuff back to life," Jasper said with a chuckle. Alice swatted him.

"Shut up, Jazz! I didn't understand a word Carlisle just said, but whatever it was, it sounded fun!"

"Aurgh!" Bella yelled, regaining conciousness slowly.

"Sush, love. Trust me, you don't wanna be awake for the impending mind-numbing safety lecture," Edward murmured, patting Bella on the shoulder.

"Thank you for reminding me, Edward. Now, like I said, this is still in the testing stage, and there are definitely risks to be considered. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to be a part of this procedure- it's risky. And if-"

"If this is so dangerous, why are you even giving us the option?" Rosalie sneered.

Carlisle shot her a look. "Because I wanted you kids to have a chance to be human again."

"And, cause, Rose? Maybe if this does fall through, we'll be rid of you." Edward said, and he and Jasper laughed at this thought, relishing in the idea of a life rid of Rosalie. She simply sneered again and turned back to her five-year-old-mental-patient of a husband.

"I- (sob) don't wanna go back to (gasp, choke) this world as a (sob) HUMAN!" Emmett screamed like a small child again. "WHAT IF WE ALL DIEEE?!"

"Um..." Carlisle began, his thoughts backpedaling furiously. Edward chuckled evilly.

"CARLISLE!" Alice exclaimed, lunging happily at him for another hug, before Jasper grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back.

"What? What's- going on? Carlisle, did you slip something into my food again?" Bella slurred, finally waking up.

"Damn," Edward muttered.

"You guys have to take this seriously!" Carlisle exclaimed, exasperated.

"I am, Carlisle! I SERIOUSLY want out of this lifestyle!" Rosalie said with a smile.

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's GO!" Alice said, bounding out of the room and out the front doors, sprinting for the garage, Jasper on her heels. They were followed by Edward, with Bella slung over his shoulder, and Rosalie dragging Emmett along by his ear.

Carlisle sighed and turned to where his wife lay, seemingly unaffected by the choas around her. "What have I done, dear?"

"I really don't know," she said slowly. "But I know I am not responsible for this one."


	3. HUMAN!

**Chapter 3: HUMAN!**

_Finally, you get to see (or...read?) it in action; the Cullens going from VAMPIRE to HUMAN._

_*GASP!*_

_Hope you guys love it, glad to hear you all like it so far. & Keep the suggestions for human experiences coming! (:_

* * *

"Are you guys ready?" Carlisle asked, eying his family. He was stressed. The ride to the hospital had been near hell.

Alice had practically bounced all the way to the garage, resulting in some serious landscape damage that left Esme less than amused.

Bella had awoken fully and taken to slapping Edward and Carlisle repeatedly for her drugging.

A fight had begun between Emmett and Edward about which vehicle to take, the Volvo or Jeep, till Carlisle had intervened and ended up finding himself tied to the roof of the chosen vehicle (the Jeep, as it could fit everyone) during the entire ride.

If he had been reluctant before, he was flat out near an anxiety break down now.

They stood before the Humanizer 2000, as Carlisle had dubbed it. The room it was contained it was in a barren wing of the hospital, perfect for such experiments to take place. It looked like a kind of dance sphere; a spherical contraption with two cirlces joined upon a shiny metal base, and places to strap ones arms and legs upon one of the circles.

"YES!" A chorus of four vampire voices responded; Alice, Jasper, Edward, and Emmett. Esme stood quietly in the corner with her husband, watching. Rosalie sneered.

"Okay. Who goes first?"

"MEEE!" Alice shrieked.

"No way, pipsqueak, I'm going first," Edward snapped.

"Hey! Can you guys keep it calm?" Jasper exclaimed.

"Okay, looks like there's only one way to settle this," Carlisle mused.

"EENY-MEENY-MINIE-MO?" Emmett yelled.

"Precisely. Eeeny meeny minie mo, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers, let him-"

"Oh, get on with it, old man," Edward complained.

"goeenymeenyminiemomymothersaidtopicktheverybestoneandyouareeyetee IT!" Carlisle yelled, this finger landing on Emmett, who squealed with glee, bounding up to the machine.

"HOOK ME UP, POPS!" he yelled. Carlisle sighed before clamping his son's wrists and ankles to the metal sphere, pulling a blowtorch mask over his head when he was done.

"Everybody stand back, this could get human," he said, flicking the switch.

Suddenly, the thing came to life. The entire metal base and all other parts of the machine flickered with bright, shining lights in shades of blue and yellow. Emmett began to spin and rotate in all directions, picking up speed with every passing second.

"Hahah! Look at meee! I'm spinning! It's like a carnival ride! Wheee!"

Soon, he was moving so fast that the light engulfed him, and the entire thing became one huge ball of flourescent. The floor began to shake, and a loud popping noise came from the thing, followed by the sound of army-grade fireworks being set off. The entire clan cowered back, covering their ears.

"Pretty lights," Alice noted.

In an instant, the whole room filled with light, followed by an even louder explosion. Emmett's girlish screams were audible even above the sound. Then, just like that, it was over. The machine began to slow, finally coming to a halt. Smoke had filled the room, making it impossible to see.

Carlisle approached slowly, unclamping Emmett.

"…Emmy?" Rosalie asked.

Emmett turned around slowly.

"EMMETT!" They all shrieked.

Emmett's skin was peachy, his cheeks pink. His hair looked brown, now, his eyes a warm shade of dark brown. His features were rounded, more pronounced, and he overall looked quite similar, besides his human-osity, except for one thing…

"Pfft," Edward chuckled, clamping a hand over his mouth to avoid bursting into hysterics. Jasper did nothing to stop his, falling on the floor and rolling around, tears of laughter streaming down his face. Alice and Rosalie just stared, mouths agape.

"Emmett…I never knew your forehead was so…big," Bella said thoughtfully.

Emmet's hands slapped to his face, and he quickly twirled to face the mirror placed on the wall next to him. He gave a girlish shriek upon seing his super-sized stern. His forehead took up about half his face, pressing his eyes downward somewhere around where his nose should have been.

"What have you done to me?!" he cried, his voice several octaves higher than it normally was. This sent Edward down on the floor, cackling, followed by Alice.

"I'm sorry, Emmett…" Carlisle said softly. "Humans have flaws. You're a human now, so it's only natural."

Emmett frowned, sulking over to a corner of the room.

"Next," Carlisle called, immediately stopping the hyena-esque laughter. "You, from the peanut gallery over there," he pointed to Jasper, "step right up, welcome to the WHEEL OF FORTUNE!"

"Too much time spent watching TV with Esme," Rosalie muttered.

Sullenly, Jasper walked up to the machine. Carlisle strapped him in, but it wasn't until he flicked the switch that Jasper began having second thoughts.

"NO!" he yelled, trying to send waves of regret over everyone in the room, but to no avail. Edward smiled.

"Bye bye, Jazzy," he cooed.

Another explosion, whirl of light, and cloud of smoke later, and Jasper was…

"Human," Alice breathed, running up to examine her husband. There was not much different about him now, saving his now tan skin. His eyes, big and hazel, looked down on her before flicking to the mirror.

"What happened to my hair?" Jasper mumbled, fingering his 'fro. His usually wild hair had expanded out another few inches, now positively ginormous.

Edward shrugged. "It was bound to happen."

Alice giggled. "You look like a clown."

Jasper frowned and went to go check out his new apperance better, promptly triping over his own feet. Edward howled with laughter.

"I feel like one, too."

"Oooh! My turn, my turn!" Alice cried, bounding up willingly to the machine. She was shaking with so much excitement, Edward had to help told her still so she'd be able to be strapped in.

Bang, flash, boom. The smoke cleared, and Alice turned to face her family.

Her deep blue eyes looked far away, her skin pale even as a human, her hair relatively more spiked now. Her nose had gone crooked, her lips a little thinner, but overall, she kept most of her original good looks. Smiling, she skipped over to Edward.

"Your turn, Eddie boy," Emmett said sweetly.

Edward smiled at Bella like an excited schoolboy. "SEE YOU AS A HUMAN," he yelled happily, pecking her on the cheek before reaching the machine in one bound, strapping himself in. Soon, he too was human.

"Damn," Bella scowled as Edward came out of the machine. Aside from being a little shorter and less muscular, not to mention his green eyes, he still looked perfect. "And I thought I'd get a break."

"Of course," Jasper muttered, furiously trying to pat his hair back into place.

"Rosalie?" Carlisle asked, turning to his last daughter.

She snorted. "Whatever, gramps. Hit me," she said, stalking up to the machine, grudgingly allowing Carlisle to strap her in. The machine whirred to life, and a newly human Rosalie stepped off.

"Rose…?" Emmett gasped.

Rosalie turned to the mirror on the wall.

"CARLISLE!" she shrieked. Her normally perfect face was the same, save an outcripping of zits along her jaw. Her now thinner frame contorted in fury.

"I…" Carlisle said, backing for the exit.

"RUN!" Jasper yelled, and they all hauled their newly human behinds out of Rosalie's throwing range.


	4. The Price of Beauty

****

Chapter 4: The Price of Beauty

_Last night, I was procrastinating everything else I should have been doing trying to get this done.. This was probably the most difficult chapter so far, simply because I kept rewriting parts of it it to make it flow and include all the family members in the shift of focus. Originally, I was going to have the experiences with each member be seperate, but decided to work them all together. I decided that I should take the time to do this well instead of rushing to get it out there, and while it still could be better, I'm satisfied!_

_Expect some more human experiences and discoveries coming in the next chapter. **Please help make this story great by making suggestions for any ideas you have as to what you'd like to see the Cullens go through as humans. **I'll do my best to fill every (appropriate!) request! (:_

_A special thanks goes out today to _ihatejacob1_ for all your great ideas for human experiences, to _Alyria Phoenix_, who was my first reveiwer, and to everyone else who has reveiwed; it is what has kept me dilligently trying to come up with new material for the story. (:_

_Hope you enjoy! (: And HAPPY NEW YEARS! _

* * *

After a few stops on the way home, the Cullens finally arrived back at their house. Rosalie had had the entire corner of the car to herself, where she'd fumed alone, promply shoving her way out of the Jeep when they arrived. Jasper's hair had been squished against the ceiling the entire ride, picking up his mood a little by flattening it out. Emmett found he had no trouble now seeing the road even with the little mirror above his seat flipped down, something he did not find comfort in.

When everyone got home, they all went their separate ways. Rosalie flew up to her room to rage, Alice and Jasper to theirs to work on his hair, Carlisle to his office, Esme to the kitchen, Emmet to the upstairs guest bathroom, Bella and Edward taking to the living room.

"Hey, Alice?" Emmett called from the doorway of her and Jasper's bedroom a few minutes later. Two long strips of fake brown hair hung down in front of his face.

"Yeah? I'm in the bathroom with Jazz," she called.

Emmett fumbled his way to the open bathroom door, finding Jasper slapping handful after handful of gooey hair product onto his newly aquired bush as Alice struggled to pin pieces of his hair down, her lips pursed in concentration. He sat on Alice's tufted red vanity chair, the pink marble counter topped with sparkly beauty products and makeup.

"Alice, can you help me?" She looked up, incredulous at Emmett's blatant misuse of extensions.

"What did you do this time?" She sighed, grabbing some more bobby pins off the counter. "You didn't use eyelash glue again, did you?"

"I'm trying to put hair extensions in my bangs to make my forehead look smaller. And no, I did not, thankyouverymuch."

Jasper spared a glance at his brother. "I think you're doing it wrong."

"Thanks, buddy," Emmett said dryly, turning to Alice. "Please?" He whined, jutting out his bottom lip through his curtain of hair. "Can yew pwease help me attach whese twings?" He put on his best baby voice, his eyes wide.

Once glance had Alice convinced. "Oh, alright," she muttured, and Emmett clapped in a childish sign of delight.

"Hey, no way," Jasper exclaimed. "Emmett, go make yourself useful and let some airforce use your forehead as a landing strip or something. I need Alice's help right now."

"Why don't you go find some kid's birthday party to crash? You'll probably get paid," Emmett growled. "Just paint your nose red. I have more important matters to attend to. Do you not see my intrusive forehead? I need serious help."

"Oh, I think everyone in the Olympic area can see it from here, Em. And we knew you needed help long before this happened.."

"You guys!" Alice exclaimed in exasperation. "Stop fighting!"

"Not until you help me with my bangs," Emmett pouted as one strip slipped off his forehead.

"Save it, Emmett. Alice, can you pass me another bottle of gel?"

"Jasper, this has to last you all week," Alice said with a sigh, "And you've used almost half our stock."

"I'll get it for you, little bro," Emmett said, grabbing a bottle off the shelf by the door and popping it open. "TAKE THIS!" he yelled, lunging for Jasper, squeezing the bottle with all his might. The gooey gel shot out straight into Jasper's visage, and he screamed in agony and fury.

"AUGHH! IT BURNS! DAMN! THIS IS HELL COMPARED TO VAMPIRE VENOM! MAKE IT STOP!" He screeched, falling to the ground and taking Emmett down with him. They rolled around, wresting for a few moments, before Jasper's hand found purchase on the shiny marble countertop and he managed to find a tube of toothpaste by the sink. He grabbed Emmett's collar and squeezed the green goo down his shirt. Emmett writhed in disgust, thrashing around, Jasper clinging to his back.

"WHO IS THE CLOWN NOW, RODEO PONY?!" Jasper yelled, cackling evilly.

"Can you guys act any more immature?" Alice cried.

Emmett picked Jasper up and threw him on top of the counter, toppling Alice's perfume collection, sending her down on her knees in mercy. Finding one bottle, he sprayed it in Jasper's mouth, effectively stopping him before he lugned for Alice, hoisting her up, dodging to the other side of the huge bathroom.

"She's mine," Jasper hissed, darting as fast as his now stubby human legs could carry him, grabbing at the hem of Alice's blouse before Emmett dodged his attack. Jasper sailed into the wall, meeting it with a crack, and Emmett cackled. Alice gave him a swift kick to the jaw, sending him down upon the bathroom tiles as well. She dropped to the floor, picking herself up in time to run screaming out the door and down the steps at an abnormally human pace, entering the living room where Bella sat.

"BELLA! JASPER AND EMMETT ARE FIGTHING AND EMMETT TRIED TO GET ME AND HE PUT GEL IN JASPER'S FACE AND THEY WERE WRESTLING OVER ME AND THEN I-"

"SHH!" Bella whispered loudly. "Edward's sleeping. Be quiet."

"Why? He hasn't slep in nearly a century. He's making up for lost time; he should be sound asleep for a good two days, at least," Alice whispered back furiously. "I need protection!" Suddenly, Alice slipped into a vision, her eyes glazing over. WHen she returned, her face was priceless, horror stricken. "THEY'RE GOING TO GET ME, BELLA!"

"Well, go find Esme. But I can't help you!" Bella said.

"ALICE! COME BACK!" Emmett yelled.

"No way! She's mine, jerk!" CRASH.

"Afro Man!" Bang. Thud, crack.

"Windshield forehead!" There was a sound of breaking glass and heavy footsteps above.

"AHHH! ESME!" Alice yelled, tearing into the kitchen.

"What? What's going on?!" Esme exclaimed. She was just pulling a tray of pizza rolls out of the oven. Alice attempted to skid to a halt, accidentally knocking into her, sending all fifty tiny burning pizza puffs sailing through the air. Suddenly, Emmett appeared, diving.

"NOOOOOOOOOO" he yelled in near slo-mo, twenty or so landing in his mouth before he hit the ground. The remaining hailed upon him, sticking to his beaty-product- soaked face and his torn up fake bangs, and he began to shriek in pain at the burning hot microwave snacks.

"OW! OW! IT BURNS! I DIDN'T REALIZE EATING WAS SO PAINFUL!"

"Emmett!" Esme exclaimed. "They're just out of the oven!" Just then, Jasper came charging in, yielding a huge cylinder of glitter powder. He promptly jumped upon his brother and began to shake the body shimmer all over his face, laughing maniacally. Emmett gasped for air, choking on the mixture of pizza rolls and pink glitter powder, but managed to wriggle out from under Jasper's grasp, throwing open a cabinet door and fumbling around till he found a huge bag of flour. He began launching handfuls at Jasper, the white powder mixing with the glitter air, causing them both to choke.

"JASPER!" Alice yelled. "IS THAT FROM MY VANITY TABLE?!"

"What?" he called back, dumping the rest of the container down Emmett's pants and tossing it behind his shoulder. "No, of course not, honey…" Emmett snarled and grabbed him in a headlock, shoving a hairspray-soaked pizza roll down his throat. Jasper gagged.

"Oh, you will be punished for this, you two," Alice hissed, pointing an accusatory finger at both of them. Emmett whimpered, and, dropping the half empty bag of flour and releasing his clutch on a chunk of Jasper's 'fro, backed out of the room.

"Oh, no you don't. Get back here and clean up this mess now, Emmett!" Esme cried. But Emmett was already up the stairs. He dashed into the bathroom, planning to wash off his face and remove his extensions, when he saw Rosalie standing at the counter, slopping something on her face.

"Rosalie…?" he asked, and she turned to him. He gave a cry akin to that of a shot puppy, recoiling from her face. Her grim expression was outlined with white goo (Clearasil, no doubt!) and there were smears of concealer visible all along her jaw line. She growled.

"What, you don't think I look pretty anymore?" She yelled, and Emmett crawled to the furthest corner of the room possible. "Well, at least I don't have a SMALL CONTINNENT FOR A FREAKING FOREHEAD!"

Emmett winced and she send a tub of anti-zit cream sailing for his head. It splattered against the wall as he ducked, but she hurled another few beauty products at him. Emmett gave a high pitched shriek and retreated from the flying bottles, tearing out of the room and down the stairs. He came to a halt right in front of Esme, at the doorway of the kitchen, who promptly grabbed him by the ear and dragged in him to clean up the mess. Alice was still in the kitchen, Jasper at her feet.

"You," she said, glaring at him. He stayed low to the ground, whimpering like a kicked puppy. "Don't expect any fun for the next month, because you will be spending all your time with ME shopping to replace all of my stuff you destroyed!" Jasper gave a cry of pain and scampered out of the room.

Bella watched Jasper escape up the stairs, obviously running from Alice. She then looked down to Edward, who was dozing peacefully on the white leather sofa. He had fallen asleep almost immediately, and she hadn't the heart to wake him up. _Hmm, _Bella thought_. This day has me beat..maybe a little nap wouldn't hurt. _Strecthing out near Edward, she stared at the ceiling listening to the thudding footsteps of Jasper, Alice, and Emmett, Carlisle's slamming door as he came out to witness the comotion, and Rosalie's screams of anger from her bathroom where she feverishly applied continuous layers of beauty product. Soon, though, she found herself quite drowsy, and she closed her eyes as sleep began to overcome her…

"SNDUHGRRKKKKKKUGADABAHHH!" Edward erupted into a humungous snore suddenly. Bella screamed, throwing herself off the couch.

"Edward?" she said softly, peeking over the edge of the sectional. His face was smooth and calm, like that of a sleeping baby's. Bella sighed, satisfied that this was a one time deal, and reached out to stroke his cheek. Her finger touched his smooth, warm-

"SNOOOOOOOOOORK!" Edward's face contorted as an even uglier sound than before ripped itself from his mouth and nose, Bella caught in the way of his rapid air intake. She scrambled away from him, trembling. Alice and Esme appeared in the doorway.

"Who let a grizzly in?" Emmett snarled, bustling into the room, his face and clothing covered in glitter, gel, toothpaste, flour, and tomato sauce. "Is this just to taunt me? Because, you know, I-" he stopped short when he looked around and realized there was no bear on the premises, his eyes focusing on Edward right as he let rip a chain of snorts.

"OH MY GOSH, EDDY TEDDY SNORES?!" Emmett guffawed, doubling over, laughing. Alice's light cackles rang through the airy room, both mixing together with Edward's snores to create a symphony of noise. At that moment, Jasper came down the steps, a hooded sweatshirt hiding his oddly stiff 'fro. He made it down about half way before bursting into laughter and rolling down the remaining stairs. Bella giggled.

As their laughter began to subside, Alice's face suddenly went blank with a vision. Her eyes lit up almost immediately. "We're going somewhere I've always wanted to go as a human," she announced proudly.

"Edward's still asleep..." Bella muttered.

Carlisle came down the steps, still wearing his suit, sighing. "I'll pick him up. There's no use arguing now, Bella. We might as well go along with it; Alice is not about to change her mind."

"Aww, do I have-" Emmett began, but Alice shot him a death glare and bean to roll the still laughing Jasper out the front door, a devilish smile on her face.


	5. CC Time!

**Chapter 5: CC Time!**

_And now you guys get to find out where Alice has decided to drag the Cullens to....MWAHAHA. Let's just say it involves catchy show tunes, a rocketship, and Ememtt's ability to piss off zitty teenage employees. (:_

_This chapter was terrible to edit, I ended up having to do it twice because when I clicked the link to my FF profile in another window so I could get to the story to check reveiws for suggestions to thank people for, it chose this window to use and erased all my edits. ._

_I'm thrilled with the response I've gotten to this story. It's fun to write, too. Bonus!_

_The idea for this was from_ ihatejacob1_, and I have to thank_ DuCkSoFdArKnEsS _and_ PinkAngelIdolVoice _as well_ _for their suggestions, I really appreciate it,_ _and to anyone else who has made a suggestion, I want to thank you too! It really, really helps. You don't even understand how much of this is inspired by the suggestions people make and what they liked. (: Thanks again, please fill me in with any questions or suggestions, and I hope you guys love this chapter!!!!_

_PS; I will be making a chapter with the addition of answers to questions I have been asked in the reveiws in the next week, so if you have anything you want to ask, let me know soon so can answer it! Hope you guys had a Happy New Year, as well. WELCOME TO 2009!_

* * *

"Alice," Emmett whined. "Why do we have to be here?"

The entiry family, save Rosalie, was standing in line at the mall's Starbucks, Alice grinning from ear to ear. Emmett looked like an unhappy child, Carlisle looked stiff and out of place, Esme looked worried and curious. Edward was still asleep, so Bella had gotten him one of those rocketship-shaped kid strollers for Carlisle to throw him in.

"Please don't tell me you've never had the urge to try caffeine," she said, spreading her arms and smiling wide at the huge board of beverages behind the counter. "Cappuchino's, Lattes, Chai teas….the list goes on and on. Pick your poison, Emmett. This is my eternity-long dream, and I'll be damned if you ruin it for me."

The line moved slowly, something that the family probably would have minded without their new slow prowess. Edward let rip a few more snores, but Bella managed to clear her throat in time to cover them up. That is, if Emmett didn't take advantage of the face that he could poke Edward repeatedly to get him to shut up first.

"Now, kids, I know this whole experience is new for you and all, but--" Carlisle began.

"Yeah, yeah. Save it, daddy-o," Emmett scoffed.

"There are serious consequences to an….overzealous caffeine intake," he went on, looking pointedly at Alice. "It's not alcohol, so try and keep your heads, even under the influence of your chosen beverages. Okay?"

"Maybe we should get Ed something. Don't want him to be asleep all week," Jasper mused.

"I dunno, I kind of like him better this way," Emmett chuckled, and Bella swatted him.

Soon, they found themselves first in line, the zitty teenage girl looking frightened at each member of the family, her eyes bugging out as she laid them upon Edward.

"He's had a rough day," Bella muttered.

"And Rosalie thought coming here would make her feel worse," Emmett whispered. "Look at that girl's face!"

Emmett realized all too late that he could no longer converse as quietly as he could as a vampire, and the girl stiffened, face going cold at his words. "What can I get you?" she asked sharply, looking to the bouncing Alice.

"One Mochahalfcaflettechinomochadueasakmoi, please!" Alice squealed.

"Um, miss? Those only exist in Dunkin Donuts commercials." (AN: If you don't understand what I'm talking about, go look it up on youtube. XD)

"Alice, what the heck language was that in?" Ememtt guffawed.

"Fratalian," Bella responded unhappily.

"Um....okay…can I just have a Carmel Latte Grande with…..a double shot of espresso?" Alice asked.

"No, Alice, please," Jasper begged.

"Alice, you don't know what you're getting yourself into….please, for our sake…" Carlisle began, but Alice did not lsiten.

"Coming right up," the woman behind the counter chirped, her thin lips pulling into an evil smirk. Everyone glared at Ememtt, who recoiled from their gazes.

"I'll have a small iced tea, and a tall plain iced coffee with cream for him," Bella said, pointing to Edward.

"Hmmmm," Emmett mused, surveying his selection of sugary drinks. "I think I'll have…no wait, I'll…ohh, that looks tasty…."

"Sir, there are other customers here, you know," the girl said sourly.

"Yes, well, I Think I'll have an iced mocha latte, thank you very much," Emmett said with a wink. The girl looked appalled.

"For me, a plain black coffee," Jasper said quietly.

"With whipped cream and sprinkles," Alice added quickly, smiling up at her husband. "I want your first coffee to be special," she said.

The girl gaped. "You've never had coffee?" she asked.

"Ummm…not really…" Jasper admitted.

"GUYS! WE HAVE A CODE WHITE! COFFEE VIRGIN, I REPEAT, COFEE VIRGIN ON THE PREMISES!" the girl yelled suddenly. A long line of employees, msot around twenty or so in age, came bustling forward comr all corners of the room, leaving registers, machines, and even tables and customers, surroudning the Cullens.

"Oh no," Bella whispered.

A few of them began to snap in musical unison, followed by more, then more, creating a waterfall effect. In the background, lively oldies music began to play, and the crowd broke into song.

"_Whenever we get a coffee newbie,_

_You don't get how we feel,_

_We know that until you've had a venti latte,_

_You don't get why we work here with such zeal!"_

Jasper began to back away, but his back met a wall of employees, all snapping. He spun around and gave a frightened cry. The crowd began to hum, and Ememtt began to laugh. Alice looked incredulous, Bella and Carlisle's mouths open in shock. Esme looked uncomfortable.

"_Everytime we get you coffee virgins,_

_We know just what to do,_

_We fill you up with glorious caffeine,_

_Until the coffee's hyper element gets through!_

_It warms up your veins,_

_On a long commute to work,_

_It really gets your mind a-pumpin'_

_On your way to church!_

_So fi you've never had a mug full,_

_Here's what we have to say!_

_We're going to make especially sure_

_You make up for it today!"_

"What? No!" Jasper yelled as they began to clambor on to him, dragging him slowly away. The heels of his shoes scraped against the shiny floor tiles as he was forced unwillingly behind the coutner.

"Coffee, Coffeee," They murmeered.

"Help! HELLLP!" he yelled as they pulled him into the back room and out of sight.

The family stared after him, faces blank.

"Your total will be $20.95," The girl said cheerily. Alice paid happily as the girl left and returned with a tray full of Styrofoam cups, handing them to Alice. She took them happily an scampered away. Bella looked at Ememtt, who shrugged and followed. With a sigh, she pushed Edwrd along, following, trailed by Esme.

"Um, excuse me," Carlisle said to the girl, who was finishing the transaction.

"Yes?" she asked.

"You…uh, well, your employee's kind of just took away my son. Is there any chance of us getting him back sometime soon?" He asked. Just then, a high pitched scream came from the back kitchen, which was quickly stifled.

The girl turned to look towards the noise. "Oh, um, sure. They'll be done with him soon, I think…" she trailed off, running away quickly. Carlisle sighed and headed over to the table where his family now sat, sipping their hot drinks.

"Man, Alice, you were right, this is good," Emmet said between loud slurps. But Alice didn't answer. Her eyes were bugged out of her head, her jumping up and down more than suualy..

"Oh, Alice," Bella groaned, her eyes fallign to the empty cup in front of her.

"Bella, can we go to the beach? Or maybe...the library? The mall? NO! ONE OF THOSE BUNGEE JUMPING BRIDGE PLACES!" Alice cried.

"Erm..." Bella said.

"I like stuff that sparkles. Emmett, do you still have some of my body sparkle in your hairrr?" Alice said, reaching up and picking through Emmett's hair absentmindedly, somewhat like a monkey.

"HAHAHAHAHA," Emmett burst out laughing suddenly, slamming his fist on the table, causing the whole thing to shake. Carlisle sighed and Esme shook her head. Pitifully, Bella forced a straw between Edward's lips and tilted the cup so the caffeine ran down his throat.

Alice continued to bounce in her seat, shaking the leather bench so violently that Carlisle had to hold her down. Emmett just continued to laugh loudly, the people around them becoming quickly annoyed and retreating to further away tables.

"STUCK UP WATERED-DOWN COFFEE SNIFFING FO--" Alice yelled, before Carlisle cuold clamp his hand over her mouth.

"Never again," he mouthed to Esme.

"I think Ed's waking up," Emmett pointed out.

"Huh…? Where…where am I?" Edward yawned, stretching in his chair. "And…why am I in a space ship?"

"Well, it's a long story, honey…"

"And who gave Alice coffee? Where's Jasper and Rosalie?"

"The Coffee Caregivers took himmmm," Alice singsonged.

Just then, a long string of employees charged to the table, dragging along a twitching Jasper. They set him down cross from Alice besides Bella, who moved to accommodate his entry. It the cullens thought that Alice had gotten hyper, Jasper was a three year old on crack. He was shuddering so violently, he looked like he could literally have bounced off the walls.

Carlisle's brow furrowed. "Jasp--"

"WHAAT?!" He yelled suddenly, eyes bugging out, looking wildly around at his family members. Then, whimpering, he covered his head with his arms and curled up into the fetal position.

"Jasper, calm down, honey, please," Esme pleaded. He gave no response. Ememtt leaned over and mock-cautiously poked him, and Alice and him burst into a new fit of laughter.

"I can't believe that such a small amount of caffeinated beverage can have such an astounding effect," Carlisle mused. "It's mind blowing."

"Well, Gramps, get used to it, 'cause I'm ordering a double frappe mocha latte iced double-shot…..COFFEEEE!" Emmett cried, and Alice brightened.

"SAME HERE! BUT NO ICE!" she yelled at a passing employee, who simply sneered and left.

"I think we should go now, Carlisle," Bella said. At this, Jasper began to scream for no reason. Emmett and Alice began to laugh, suddenly jumping upon upon the table and beginning to dance, belting out the Coffee Cargiver's tune. Edward, whose coffee had by now taken effect, beagn to make wooshing noises, trying furiously to pedal away.

"Bella, you're holdnig back my ability to go into hyperspace," Edward whined from the floor.

Carlisle sighed. "It would appear so."


	6. Wanted, Dead or Alive

**Chapter 6: Wanted, Dead or Alive.**

_Gosh, you guys, I'm really quite sorry about the delay with this update. The holidays mized with a serious lack of desicion making on my part meant not much time but tons of writer's block. But, I finally sucked it up and produced this rather long chapter. I hope it makes up for the delay!_

_I would like to thank several people for ideas that helped shape this chapter, including _.for.., _whose ideas made up the better part of this update._

_To _DuCkSoFdArKnEsS, PinkAngelIdolVoice, and Account Not Found, _expect your suggestions to come into play at some point in the story. You guys all rock, and yeah, I'm serious when I say that peoples' suggestions are what make this story great. Without you guys, I'd have squat!_

_Please, let me in on anything you'd like to see the Cullen kids experience in later chapters. I read every reveiw and take all suggestions into consideration. Questions and constructive criticism are also welcome. Oh, and expect polls in later chapters! If I have a desicion to make, I'll consult you guys with my options, and you get to make the pick. Here's the very first!_

_**What kind of parent do you see Carlisle as when it comes to discipline?**  
**1)** Strict, house-arrest type.  
**2)** Willing to let things slide.  
**3)** Restrictive, rule-making, and concerned._

_Please put your response in the reveiw....I'll tally them up when I begin the next chapter and go from there. Thanks again!_

_P.S: Obviously, I don't own Starbucks, L&T, NyQuil, P.F. Changs, or anything other product, store, or chain mentioned in this chapter or story.  
_

* * *

Much to the disdain of everyone else at Starbucks, Carlisle demanded that his newly human offspring remain in their seats until the more annoying qualities of their caffeine had taken full effect and finally died off. About a half an hour later, the pack bustled out into the mall itself.

"Edward, can you please get out of the stroller now?" Bella asked with a sigh as she pushed him along. He was gripping the wheel, turning it from side to side wildly and accompanying it with race car noises. "People are staring."

"It's NOT a stroller, it's a rocketship. And I _like_ it. Besides, they stared at me when I was a vampire; they might as well stare at me now."

"Edward, you look childish in that thing," Esme stated, narrowing her eyes at her misbehaving son.

"I'm over one-hundred years old. How am I _childish..?_"

"You'd be surprised," Carlisle muttered.

"Okay, I am officially bored," Emmett said with a yawn. His stomach gave a loud growl. "Whoa, what, is yesterday's grizzly still alive in there?" He guffawed, poking his belly.

"No, Emmett," Bella sighed. "You're hungry. There's a Chinese food place nearby that you could go to. It has a buffet, and I have a strange feeling you'll be a heavy eater…"

"Chinese food? Like, from China?" Alice chirped.

"I've been to China before….they had tasty pandas. Hit me up, Bell," Emmett said. Bella pointed in the direction of the place, gave a few quick directions (none of which Emmett listened to) and sent him on his way. The group watched him lumber off before turning back to their current problem.

"Okay, Edward. I'm renting this thing for five bucks an hour. We're taking it back," Esme said to her son.

Edward's green eyes darkened, and his glare practically burned poison into Esme's sweet, caring face. "Never."

"Edward, you have to give it up." Jasper interjected. "You look plain stupid."

"Not a chance in hell."

"Then I'll give you a choice. Bella, or the rocketship?" Esme offered firmly, crossing arms hands over her chest.

Surprise fell across his face, his mouth gaping and his eyes wide, but he gave no answer.

"Edward?" Bella cried.

Edward looked down at the shiny red plastic of the strolled, his hands trailing absentmindedly over the bright yellow steering wheel. His face contorted in concentration.

"Are you _thinking_?" Bella whisper yelled.

"Don't hurt yourself," Alice said.

"Bella, love, don't take it personally…she's just so shiny…she's even better than the Volvo, love. Look, she has green racecar stripes! How can you expect me to make such a snap decision?"

"_She?_" Alice asked.

"You would choose a dented plastic children's stroller over your own _soul mate_?" Bella demanded, near hysteria.

Edward growled, lovingly stroking the side of his ride. "Do _not _poke fun at the dent. It adds to Lola's charm."

"Lola." Jasper said slowly. "You named the thing. You named it…Lola."

Alice burst into laughter. "Better than the Volvo?"

"Enough, Edward. I don't care which you choose; you're costing us, remember?" Esme took the handles from Bella and steered him away. Carlisle shook his head and pressed a hand to his forehead.

"I'll go with her," he muttered, scurrying away as a familiar, shrill shriek pierced the din of the mall.

With just Bella, Jasper, and Alice left, they decided to stroll throughout the mall. It was airy and open, with two floors and plenty of stores. Neither Bella nor Jasper seemed too pleased about their personal, Alice-esque version of the perfect storm, but Alice, of course, was elated.

"I wonder how many stores I can hit without superhuman abilities, the ability to never have to sleep, and impossible speed and strength," Alice mused aloud.

"Hmmm…" Jasper said. "Depends; with or without Bella?"

"Very, very funny," Bella muttered.

"Ooooh, look, Bella! That new shoe store opened. I completely forgot about it with everything going on. Ooooh, and I see a nice pair of four inch heels in your future!" Alice giggled, pulling Bella into the store with her. Try as she might, Bella was still no match for Alice when it came to going into a shoe store.

An hour or so later, Bella and Jasper were slumped upon one of the benches in the middle of the mall. Bella was used to this new height of exhaustion by repeated shopping sprees spent with Alice already, but Jasper's new human qualities left him completely worn out.

"How…..how do you d-do this?" He gasped at Bella, struggling to catch his breath.

"There's a reason I avoid it," Bella muttered.

"Ah…hey, where's *wheeze* Alice?" Jasper inquired.

"She was in that new Lord & Taylor's place, remember? I guess she's still trying stuff on."

"Bella, it's been more than half an hour," Jasper puffed, struggling to get up. "I'm going in."

"No, Jasper. Please, that's suicide. Alice will never forgive me if I let you kill yourself shopping," Bella pleaded, attempting to stand up as well. "Ugh, I'm achey all over."

"I'm sure she'd see it as an honorable way to go." Jasper said, and he thus dragged himself to the store and into the woman's section, looking about for his wife.

"Alice?" Bella called raspily, nearly out of breath from trying to catch up with his stride. "Alice, you here?" She passed rack upon rack of colorful, pricey clothing, eyes scanning the entire expanse of the woman's department, but there was no Alice to be seen. They checked the shoe, acessory, makeup, and jewelry departments as well, but to no avail.

"The dressing rooms, perhaps?" Jasper suggested, heading towards the large sign nearby that indicated the fitting area. The high ceilings of the boutique sloped down to relatively normal height in the wide hallway off which several cubicles branched, and Jasper knocked on each slitted wood door.

"Alice?" he called out. "Alice, love?"

"Er, no…this is Rhonda!" One woman called out. Jasper recoiled from that door and went on to the next, knocking on it lightly.

"Darian, love? You decided to come in?" A voice quipped joyfully, and the door swung open revealing a suggestively dressed and smug looking thirty year old woman, who, upon seeing Jasper before her, gave a scream of suprise, grabbed the door, and slammed it shut.

Jasper slapped a hand over his eyes, mouth hanging open in shock, and Bella giggled. "I'm going to forget that this ever happened," he muttered as they went back to looking.

"There she is, I see her feet," Bella called from a few doors down several minutes later, pointing underneath it. A pair of black pumps on a pair of small, pale feet were visible. "Alice, you in there?" But there was no response.

Jasper, obviously worried, did not hesitate in attempting to break down the door. As a vampire, this would have been an easy task, but as a human, his grunting and shoving made him look feeble and relatively idiotic. Bella blushed when a woman helping run the fitting room passed them, raising an eyebrow before flitting off to help a woman find her size. Finally, Jasper settled for slipping under the door and unlocking it from the inside.

"Alice?!" Bella cried when the door swung open. Inside the small but well-lit changing area, Alice was slumped against one of the two opposite white benches, eyes closed, fast asleep. Piles of brightly colored clothes cascaded down her legs and overflowed from the seat, strewn upon the floor.

"Ali," Jasper whispered, gently taking his wife's hand. "Poor, poor, Alice." "HUH? WAH? HUH?" Alice awoke with a start, eyes flying open, jumping up. The piles of clothes fell to her feet, spilling Bella and Jasper's feet. Jasper clamped a quick hand over her tiny mouth.

"Shhh!"

"Alice, you fell asleep!" Bella calmly explained, stretching an arm around Alice's small shoulders, attempting to help Jasper reign her in.

"Whhhghhhht? Nugghhgohhhh!!!" She cried, her voice muffeld by Jasper's hand. He set her down on the floor, where she promptly bit into a fit of giggles.

"I fell asleep shopping? Oh, that is rich, me sleeping? Ahahaha…" she mumbled, slumping drowsily against the bench. Jasper and Bella looked on, horrified. The caffeine had indeed worn off, and left a somewhat lethargic and giggly Alice behind.

"Jasper! Make her go back to sleep!" Bella whispered frantically.

"Shush, I'm going to get some NyQuil from the drugstore next door. Keep her quiet till I'm back."

"Don't forget some more hair gel, dear," Alice droned from the floor. "Or a clown nose. Like I said, you could always just work with the hair instead of against it…"

"You're just going to leave me her--" Bella began, but he was gone. "Darn, even humanly slow, they're still faster than me," she scoffed, turning to Alice.

"Where is he going again?" Alice asked dreamily. "Oh, never mind. Hey, that caffeine stuff really works, huh? But I feel funny now."

"It's just wearing off," Bella assured her.

"Oh. Can I have a spaceship like Edward? A yellow one, maybe? Like my Porsche..."

"Yes, yes, I will get right on that, Alice. Why don't you try and rest for a few mintues, though?"

"Rest?" Alice nearly shrieked, her voice impossibly high. "Never!"

"Alice, you're not a vampire anymore....like it or not, humans rest," Bella said softly, touching Alice's shuolder.

"Well, I won't. I'll be super human! SUPAHUMANNN!" She yelled before dissolving into laughter, rolling across the shiny hardwod floor.

"I'm back!" Jasper cried, bursting through the door with a bag in hand. Too bad he moved too fast. Jasper's foot met Alice's small, giggly form, sending him sailing into the full length mirror opposite him. His face smashed against the surface, the inertia of his collision flopping the better part of his hair into the mirror as well.

"We should donate your hair to Locks of Love," Alice slurred.

"Jasper, peel your 'fro off the mirror and give me the medication," Bella demanded, grabbing the plastic bag from his grip as he desperately tried to detach his hair, which, from the hair gel he'd put in it, had stuck to the mirror. She fished through it, eyes widening. "How many bottles of gel did you _buy_, Jasper?"

"A few," he snapped, picking Alice up and setting her back on the bench in an upright position, which she quickly abandoned, flopping over to let her head dangle over the side, snickering wildly.

Bella sighed and rustled through the contents for a few more moments before finally unearthing the long-awaited sleeping medication. Jasper took it and poured the correct dosage into the tiny cup, but not without struggling to read the fine print.

"Man, how do you humans do this? The words are so fuzzy."

Bella just shrugged. "Please, just give her the medicine, Jasper."

"Alice," Jasper said softly, holding out the tiny plastic cup. "Here's something that will help you…to, erm…"

"Feel better!" Bella interjected.

"Eh? Okay, Jazzy. I trust you, my Jazz. Hey, Jazz, I--" But he had pressed it to her mouth. She swallowed it in one gulp.

"EEEEEWWWWWW!" She shrieked, recoiling from Jasper and swatting him like a cat. "That stuff is nasty! What is it?"

"It's just some medication, love. Don't worry, the taste will go away."

"Augh, I cannot believe you two…wait a second, medication? You mean to tell me you and Bella just…." she trailed off, eyes going blank as she entered a short vision. "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP AGAIN!!!" She yelled suddenly. "WHY? WHY, JASPER, BELLA? I…"

She was out like a light.

"Whoa." Bella said. "I didn't think that stuff worked so…suddenly."

"I'm not complaining," Jasper said, and, without warning, poured another dose. Bella eyed him warily. He sighed in annoyance.

"Listen, Bella. I am doing everything in my power NOT to run around this mall screaming until I nearly implode from massive amounts of caffeine-induced energy. I have probably had about nine times as much coffee as every other member of our family put together, and believe me, I am being exceptionally considerate today."

"Ah. Right, Right," Bella muttered.

"Yes. Now count your stars and leave me to overmedicate myself."

"Whatever you say," she said, backing out of the room and closing the door. As she walked out of the changing area, a pair of beady eyes fell upon her.

"Are you done trying things on?" The saleswoman asked. Bella simply stared at her, unsure of how to respond. She was middle aged and grumpy looking, wearing a prim navy suit and a red flower pin on her lapel, sharp in contrast with her grim expression.

"Uh…yes, I am, ma'm."

"Well, then, miss, may I ask where you placed your chosen and discarded items?"

Bella felt her cheeks go hot. "Uhh…"

"I thought so. SECURITY!" The lady screeched, and, without thinking, Bella turned and bolted, effectively tripping over an taking down a rack of clothes and a half price shoe display before stumbling into the mall itself.

Dusk was coming, the sun setting, and the light from the above skylights now dimmed, casting an eerie glow as the lights of the mall had yet to adjust to the changing day. She tore off, hearing yells of, "She's getting away!" and "We have a code eleven three on the second floor…yes, a code eleven three, female, brown hair…" far behind her.

Without thinking, Bella headed straight for the Chinese buffet to which she had sent Emmett, though she felt no relief upon spotting its red and gold sign, reading _P. F. Chang's Authentic Chinese Buffet, _in the distance. She sped up, narrowly avoiding a woman pushing along a kid in a (normal!) stroller and a businessman chatting on his cell phone, and barreled into the resturant, nearling knocking over a neatly dressed and rather chipper oriental man as she entered. The restaurant was abnormally loud and busy for that time of day.

"Oh, excuse m-me, I'm sorry, but I'm lo, I'm looking fo--" Bella stuttered.

"I'm sorry, miss, but you will have to step outside. We're currently in the middle of an eating contest, and we do not allow visitors in after the twelfth plate has been cleared away."

"What?" Bella exclaimed, straining to see over his shoulder, but he moved to block her.

"A man came in here a while ago and already he's almost downed thirty-two plates of authentic Chinese food. The record is thirty five, and he is being timed. He stands the chance of winning a prize, but we cannot allow for interruptions." He face crinkled as he smiled apologetically and led her out. "Thank you, miss, and please have a good day!"

"But…I…" Bella stammered, at a loss for words, but the man was gone.

"There she is!" yelled someone in the distance, and Bella spun to see a pair of security guards round the bend, coming straight for her. She squeaked, unsure now of what to do.

"Bella!"

She turned in the opposite direction and found herself face to face with Carlisle. Beside him was Esme and a grumpy looking Edward.

"Carlisle!" she cried happily, out of breath.

"Bella…why are there a pair of policemen running towards us waving tazers and screaming? And…where are Jasper and Alice?"

"It's a really, really long story, Carlisle. I swear, I didn't do anything…well, Jasper got the NyQuil…the lady at Lord & Taylor's thinks I stole stuff…but--"

"NyQuil, Bella?! Are you serious?" Edward exclaimed, his face screwing up in terror.

"We'll discuss this later. For now, let's get going. Esme, Edward, go over with the crowd and pretend to look shocked. Bella, go with them, but stay hidden." The three of them scuttled off, and Carlisle approached the officers.

"Excuse me, men," he called, and they stopped to face him.

"Sorry, sir, but we're currently on the pursuit of a possible--"

"I understand," Carlisle said, pointing. "She went that way."

They both paused. "Uh, thank you, sir?" the tall, balding one said before the pair turned and wheeled off in the direction he had pointed, right past P. F. Chang's.

"Gosh, thank you, Carlisle," Bella gasped, bustling over to him moments later. "I can never thank you enough for that."

"Pleasure to be of service, Bel--"

"Uh, Carlisle, I think we may have a bigger problem," Edward interrupted, pointing. In the distance, a small, dark haired figure, perched inside a shiny yellow plastic rocketship, was streaking down the walk at top speed.

"Oh, my," Esme breathed.

"IFNEIGHICHAN! COAKO RICHI NAGU AKA CHU!" A shrill man's voice pierced the mall noise. Bella twirled just in time to see Emmett lumber awkwardly out of the Chinese restaurant, hands over his head, doging launched fortune cookies and chopsticks. The same man Bella had been turned away by, now accompanied by a throng of angry-looking Chinese waiters and chefs, was screaming at him.

"YOU COME EAT ALL MY FOOD AND THEN EXPECT NOT TO PAY? PAH!" The man spat at Emmett, who screamed like a small child.

"MOMMY!" Emmett shrieked, diving for Esme as the small Chinese man led his troops out of the buffet in angry pursuit of their latest customer.

"ALICE!" Edward and Bella both yelled as Alice screeched to a halt only a few feet in front of them. There was a pile of shiny, colorful fabric stuffed into the small stroller, and Jasper's lanky form was barely visible beneath the clothing.

"Jasper's still drugged up! Hop in, Eddieboy, we're gonna blow this joint!" Alice cackled.

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Emmett squealed, diving for the rocketship, but Alice swerved out of the way in the knick of time, using her feet to wildly propel them forward.

"YEE-HAW!" Edward cried, hopping on top of the stroller. Leaning over the side, he began to help Alice by pushing them forward.

"There she is!" A voice called out, and Bella whirled to see the two security guards again, only this time followed by several more policemen, charging for her. Without a second thought, she dove upon Edward's lap, burying her face in his chest, squealing for help. The suddenl movement jerked the stroller, and Jasper's lanquid limbs flopped about from under the clothes, Edward, and Bella, dragging upon the tile as they moved.

Emmett gave a cry of a kicked puppy as a sous chef gave a fierce tug on his ear, another attempting to shove a chopstick up his nose as an angry waitress shoved duck sauce packets down his pants. He hopped on top of the main cabin of the rocketship, right above where Alice sat, denting it severely with his weight, but, as he helped to propel them forward with his long legs, they sped just as fast as Alice and Jasper had came. The stuffed, tiny stroller blasted forward at an incredibly fast speed in the opposite direction down the length of the mall, mowing over a few people without a care as Alice cackled wildly, Emmett shrieked, Bella cried for mercy, Jasper groaned, and Edward laughed maniacally.

"FASTER! FASTER! TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!" He yelled devilishly as the stroller picked up speed. Carlisle and Esme watched as several armed policemen, angry Chinese chefs, boutique salespeople, and stroller rental workers chased after the getaway vehicle in hot pursuit.

"Never again," Esme said simply.

"I'll bring the car around," Carlisle sighed.


End file.
